Invitation

Of my 
book of complete uninterrupted silence
here's a leaf of a morning
taken out and sealed
for the scrapbook.


Come. Read my story.
You are the subject. You are the reader. 
Only you are invited.


Here. Take my daydream.
Become my reverie
in splendid isolation.

The Should Have Been

Live on in my mind's eye

He lives on in my mind's eye

In my mind's eye

He rushes into this empty room

Like a breeze

And when he smiles the sun

Shines through the storm clouds

And his soul shines through

In my mind's eye

and it fondles my aching heart

and strokes my hair

Gently, In my mind's eye he springs

To life, in my mind's eye he is

Skipping to the beat of a

Progressive punk rock number

He has woken up from slumber

And he laughs in his sleep

And smiles at me before he opens

His eyes, in my mind's eye

He is feeling out

For me on his side

He is playing the music

And making me my drink

While I throw together the cushions

He puts on the movie

On DVD in my mind's eye

I see his Face in my mind's eye

It is Happy and it Smiles at me

It is the most beautiful face

And the most beautiful smile

In my mind's eye.

Homage

All in homage, to my marriage to you

A hundred thousand sickening fears

And many many years

A thousand lonely afternoons

All in homage, to my marriage to you...

And nobody watched when I wept

Over all the promises that should have been kept

No one kept a watch over me

As promised, in my marriage to you.

In a hundred thousand prayers

That made these deities my gods

I hoped that my prayers stayed, the promise of us

All in homage, to my marriage to you.

And was I tried. And I didn't tire

Of throwing myself at a wall like a beast cornered

Like life itself and salvation, depended on it.

Christian, heathen, pagan worship, religion, cult, spirituality, soothsayers, priests and the occult

All in homage to my marriage to you.

In madness, in sanity, in a trance

As if in shock I offered up

Myself

In homage to, my marriage to you.

All in homage, to my marriage to you

A hundred thousand endless tears

And many many years

A thousand lonely afternoons

All in homage, to my marriage to you.

Identity

i have no Religion

to Follow

i have no Faith

to Believe in

there is no Tradition

that is Familiar

there isn't even Ritual

to Abide

i have a Family

it is deFunct

i recall Relatives

i do not Relate to

there aren't Festivals

no Festivities

some Friends Salvage

Parts of me.

Mourners

guess this is mourning

what else

alienates me from everything, myself

in this empty desolate beautiful home

could it be emptier

i mourn, mourn, mourn

open that door and face the ghosts

tumbling out

blind unseeing fumbling out

with their musty smells and unsettling whispers

meet the ghosts

embrace the ghosts

and still not understand

what is it they mourn, mourn, mourn

cognition.

there are the ghosts

and there is me

but there is a door

between these dimensions

a warp that may not be crossed

and we just mourn, mourn, mourn

temperature rises

creeping up

with the afternoon

before you'd know it

its over

and all I've done is

mourn, mourn, mourn

evenings fall

nights pass

and I wake up in the dawn

and when I linger

until I get up

i have only

mourned, mourned, mourned

you don't understand it

that was mine

which I mourn, mourn, mourn

i could nag him

oh I could fight him

and mourn, mourn, mourn

he knew my madness

and would live with it

when I mourned, mourned, mourned.

I wish your home was close to mine and I could drop in when I would please, because my house is empty and welcomes me with all the space I need, to mope in silence.
I wish I had done things I could talk about with you, and would have been closer so, and fill my time with banter and things to do.
I wish we were not so far and grown distant.
I wish you had not chosen to be so far away, from arm’s reach.
I wish I could be with you, and that they would leave us be.
I wish so many things would not be between us, that I can’t see, touch, feel, sense you anymore, I can’t reach you and you don’t know anything anymore, you don’t know yourself, your mind and heart, leave alone me.
I wish I knew what went wrong, and that I could correct it.
I wish I didn’t have to measure my happiness by the bad things that haven’t happened to us yet.
Somehow I feel if I could be with you, the troubles wouldn’t count.

A nOtE oN sUiCiDeS!!

she is dancing on the edge
mystic air around
fake smiles frolic aimlessly for food
moves languidly near my well occupied grave
prayers are for sinners
and I pray everyday
distant lands remain untouched
can't they be near?
somewhere on that street i breathe,
craving for a mere laugh
it takes a small pull for all my angst
you can take my empty soul to ponder
go page by page
slice and bleed for reliving the pain
lie like a mesmerized moth near a never dying flame!
~ Mustang